Taking Time for Yourself in a Relationship by John Gray
We have all heard this advice before. No matter how wonderful togetherness feels in
a relationship, it is still crucial for partners to take time for themselves. There
is simply no way that a man or a woman can fulfill all of their partner’s needs;
it’s just impossible to do. Too often people will give up a favorite hobby, sport or
pastime in the beginning of a relationship in order to devote more time and energy
to making the relationship work. But, what happens down the road when one or both
partners realize that they are terribly out of balance and not taking time for
themselves? Relationship stress, miscommunication, or worse: resentment and
emotional pain can result.
It is healthy to have different interests. In fact, giving up our own interests and
the little things that we do to nurture ourselves when a relationship starts will
eventually lead to resentment down the road.
It’s important for both partners to value quality relaxation time. There is
absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence is good
for both men and women, no matter how close they may be in the relationship.
Typically, when one partner actively takes some alone time, their partner is
encouraged to do the same.
How our differences compliment each other:
Just as men and women have different needs in a relationship, they also have
different reasons for needing time to themselves. Too much togetherness usually
results in partners expecting too much from each other. Women may tend to smother
their mates, while men may seem cold and uncaring. It is healthy for each partner to
take time out to explore his or her individual interests.
What Men Need:
Men need to periodically pull away. Remember that men are like rubber bands. It is
his natural cycle to get close, pull away, and get close again. It is important for
men to fulfill their need for independence. Men automatically alternate between
needing intimacy and autonomy. Give a man his space and he will be a better, more
attentive, partner. When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, he often
experiences increased moodiness, irritability, passivity, and defensiveness.
Also, when a man is in his cave, he wants to be left alone. He is working out his
problems and frustrations by either doing something alone, like reading the paper or
watching TV, or doing something active with his male friends.
Most men are happy when their mates do something fun for themselves at these times.
It means that she is not sitting around waiting for him to come out of the cave. He
will come out ready to talk and be intimate again, and she will have curbed her
frustrations by being good to herself and having some fun.
What Women Need:
It is good for a woman’s self esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up
in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself.
Particularly when a man is off in his cave, she can enjoy the time alone to go
shopping, work in her garden, go to a class at the gym, or simply languish in the
simple pleasure of soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine.
It is especially important for a woman to cultivate relationships with other women.
Women need to talk about what’s happening in their lives. On Venus, this is an
important part of relationship building. Since this is not the case on Mars, it is
wonderful for a woman to get together with her girlfriends so that they can talk
about, and listen to, each other’s problems, without judgment or offering
unsolicited advice.
Couples can even plan these separate times apart. For instance, Tuesday could be his
poker night with the boys, and Thursday her night for dinner and a movie with her
girlfriends. Both partners will not only appreciate the time to do the things that
make them feel good, but will come back feeling renewed and excited to be in such a
healthy, well-balanced relationship.
– John Gray
